Don’t get caught in the 50/50 trap.
Don’t confuse equal time with equal relationships. Set up your plan to minimize unnecessary transitions between homes and the amount of time and energy required by back and forths. Try letting children stay longer in one place, with a parent moving in and out of the child’s world, for example, picking up and taking a child to music class and then dropping him off again.
Plan one-on-one time.
Develop your plan so that each parent spends some one-on-one time with each child and total parenting time equals or exceeds what was spent prior to the divorce.
Listen to what matters to your child.
Make sure your plan fits your child’s temperament and activities, even if it means that one parent spends less time with the child than the parent wants. Be attentive to your child’s behaviors. Build fairness between parents in the long term, rather than the short term.
Be honest about a child’s preferences at different developmental stages.
Take the competition out of parenting by viewing a child’s favoritism as evidence of normal development. If the stew begins to feel like a schism, have a fallback plan to shore up the less-favored parent’s time with the child and reestablish balance.
Moms–shore up dad’s influence.
With most young children and in cases of older children in which moms have the primary parenting role, moms have an easier time maintaining relationships with their children after divorce. It is critical to establish a plan that allows dad sample weekday and nighttime access. Otherwise, your child loses the positive influence and benefits of having Dad involved in his or her life.
Dads–don’t push for equal over involved.
It is fathers’ desires to stay involved and their fear of being left out of a child’s life on a regular basis that often spurs conflicts regarding parenting plans. These conflicts can intensify in level and length as fathers did in their heels. Put your energies into accepting that the change toward a more balanced access plan may take time. It may never be equal. Your child won’t keep score if you don’t. What a child needs to know is that you are available, interested, and knowledgeable about his or her interests, activities, and needs and that you want to be part of every aspect of your child’s life. Your child needs to know too that you will not give up on continuing to be part of his or her day-to-day life.
