Parenting Plans for Young Children
After divorce, it can be difficult to work with your ex-spouse in making sure both of you get enough time with your children. Here's a few tips on how to make it easier to cooperate with each other to make a better life for your children.
1. Consistency matters more than an extra night.
Try to keep schedules the same from week to week, especially during the week. This makes young children more comfortable by establishing a rhythm, and slightly older children more content in knowing where they will be tomorrow, next week, and next month.
2. Too many transitions take a toll on youngsters.
Build transitions around natural breaks in a child’s life, such as going to daycare or school. Avoid transitions that take place after dinner or when a child is tired, a notoriously fragile time for most youngsters.
3. Put the burden on parents, not children.
Parents should do most of the juggling, traveling, and dealing with awkward scheduling and schedule changes. Parenting plans should not be designed primarily for parents’ convenience. For example, one option is to have parents“birdnesting” (moving in and out of the home in which the children live) for a time. This helps parents understand first-hand what they are asking their children to do.
4. Pay attention to who controls the plans.
Research shows that parenting plans that involve issues such as overnights and consistency of schedules are more closely related to fathers’ views of children’s behavioral outcomes than to mothers and the family’s legal outcomes (the cost and litigiousness of the divorce). Make sure when making these arrangements, both parents can make their voices heard and come to an agreement on the plans being made.
5. Children with siblings need one-on-one time with their parents.
Much of family life consists of one parent staying with or driving a child in one direction, while the other heads off with another child in a different direction. This one-on-one time allows parents to key into each child's developmental needs and temperament. After divorce, most parenting plans move children from house to house. If the plan were designed to organize life more like an intact family, each parent would have one-on-one time with each child, and children would have more alone time for refueling in relative peace. Some parents don’t like such a structure because it cuts into their time to pursue interests, careers, or new relationships. But personal time is a rare luxury for parents. Parenting is a full-time commitment. It is tiring and often draining–not always rewarding–but part of the complete package. Free time is not a privilege of divorce.
