Kids, Divorce, and Money
Divorce can affect children in many ways, reflecting differences in age, personality, and coping skills. As a parent, you may try to protect, comfort, manage and control, depending on the circumstances or issues.
One issue, in particular, deserves special attention when it comes to kids, yet often remains below the surface: money. Even in the best of times, it can be difficult for parents to discuss finances with their children, often shortchanging an important facet of their education.
Given the uncertainty and exhaustion that can accompany divorce, it may seem easier to let tough discussions about money slide.
According to Joline Godfrey, author of Raising Financially Fit Kids, that non-approach can magnify insecurities while hampering the development of some key life skills. In an interview, conducted exclusively for Morgan Stanley Smith Barney, Joline discusses the importance of financial openness and education, particularly in the uncomfortable environment of divorce.
At what age can kids begin to understand basic ideas about money?
JOLINE GODFREY (JG): In the womb-or sometimes it seems that way. Good research suggests that financial imprinting begins as early as 18 months. Everybody knows how effectively a three-year-old can manipulate a parent returning from a trip by asking, “Where’s my present?” That’s a form of bargaining.
So kids are more financially conscious than we realize?
JG: They are, but not necessarily in the right way or for the right reason. Sometimes it’s just about compensation or status. Kids have questions about money along with everything else, and they have more ways than ever to get answers. For instance, social media, which gives children access to more information than you can imagine, carries some unintended consequences. One father told me a story about his nine-year-old son, who got up from the computer one night and said, “Look how much my house cost.” The boy had gone to an online real estate service and looked it up along with the prices of his friend’s houses. It’s almost impossible to prepare for situations like that, but they happen all the time. It can be daunting for a parent. The monster delusion is that if we don’t tell our kids about something, we are protecting them. So if we don’t talk to them about money, we are shielding them from all the messiness that goes with it. In reality, it’s usually because we’re less than comfortable discussing it ourselves. In the process, we’re missing an opportunity to prepare kids for the world and give them some practical exposure to values we hold dear.
How do parental attitudes affect kids in a divorcing family?
JG: On the one hand, you often have immature parents who are acting like children themselves, and they use their kids as pawns. When parents can’t get on the same page, [they] give conflicting signals and confused the child, who doesn’t know what to do or what’s expected. Then some parents may be deeply at odds with themselves, but they work to get on the same page about their children. They have the maturity and ability to transcend their hurt and anger at one another for the sake of their children. It’s as if they’ve said, “We have to rise above this and find some way to think about these children, even if we wanna kill each other.” Their kids have won the parent lottery when it comes to avoiding primitive behavior.
Are there practical things that a divorced couple can do to protect their children and send messages that are constructive rather than destructive-particularly about money?
JG: It sounds cliché, but it’s very important to agree on a few operating principles for kids. You have to agree from the beginning that, no matter what happens, you’re not going to use the kids. No bad-mouthing. No playing games. No “ask your father,” or “Ask your mother.” And those rules apply as much to money as to anything else. It’s also important not to abdicate parental authority. They are parents who say, “I want to involve my children in all the decisions.” Thant forces kids to make choices and decisions before they have the maturity to. Decisions that maybe even the parent isn’t mature enough to make comfortably. It’s not that children shouldn’t be involved or consulted, but passing the buck because you don’t want to do the hard work of taking a stand in your own life or as a parent is very destructive to kids. They’re kids and you’re and you’re because you’re older. You are supposed to have some experience, to know things, and you have to take responsibility for your choices and decisions on behalf of your children.
How does the context of divorce change the notion that you should have open, straightforward discussions with your children about money?
JG: It certainly complicates it. Often people are in a divorce because they have not been able to be their authentic selves. If you have not been able to be clear about who you are and what your needs are, it’s tough to step up and be clear and open in this area with your children. After all, had you been able to do it earlier with your spouse, it might have saved you from divorce. The irony is that just at the point where couples are feeling most vulnerable and most depressed and least energetic, even more, is expected of them. As a professional, I always feel I need to say over and over, “Look, you are going to be tired, and this is going to be hard.” A parent is likely to be a beleaguered human being at this stage of their life, with a sense of “I’m alone. This is too hard. I can’t do this.” That is why having a personal team, a personal advisor and a counselor is so important-for empathy in the struggle. So you don’t give up. Because this can be the hardest part of the divorce.
What is the right way to deal with kids who are feeling instability and insecurity, and starting to worry about money?
JG: Not just children, but adults as well. It’s people who can’t sort out the difference between external change and internal change. Understandably, a person will want to change things on the outside to get a new perspective or acknowledge some major shift in their lives. But it’s important to figure out that you’re not what you’re wearing or that new car you just bought. Whether child or parent, it’s important to be a little more reflective and think, “Okay, we’re in a different place. What’s important here? What decisions do we need to make?” In many ways, it’s all about having solid values and then working to live them.
What’s the most important thing to remember about divorce and children?
JG: Again, this thought doesn’t just apply to children, but the parents as well. We human beings are pretty resilient. We have the strength to recover, to go on. Somehow, kids will adapt. As parents, our job is to make sure they have the emotional and financial skills to do it.
“It’s not that children shouldn’t be involved or consulted, but passing the buck because you don’t want to do the hard work of taking a stand in your own life or apparent is very destructive to kids.” --Joline Godfrey
